Getting in touch with your child's emotional health

"Resilience is a key component in the prevention of social and emotional debilitation," stated Dr Kim, whose sharing followed Professor J. David Hawkins' session on how to recognise and prevent childhood emotional risk factors. A Mental Health Counsellor based in the US, Dr Kim related her observations of how some children and teenagers can continue to thrive despite living in high-risk environments.

A proponent of teaching kids to be resilient, Dr Kim explained the importance of balance. "Everyone has emotional needs - to be loved, to belong, to be accepted and to be appreciated," she said. However, she warns that a love that is too performance or achievement-oriented could perpetuate a negative cycle of anxiety among children who feel that they are never good enough and thus suffer persistent shame, disappointment or guilt.

Practical insights presented in a useful format - that's the conclusion of seminar participants Mdm Jean Tan (left) and Mrs Eugenia Lim.

In a worst case scenario, excessive pressure from parents could cause children to turn inward and attempt "to end it all," cautioned Dr Kim. She called on parents to look out for common symptoms of depression such as changes in appetite and sleeping patterns, a feeling of great hopelessness, a 'why bother?' attitude towards life and increased isolation from activities one used to enjoy.

In Asian societies, communication is often implicit, with many parents preferring to show their concern by doing things than making declarations of "I love you" or giving hugs. Dr Kim explained that this can give rise to misunderstandings due to differences in how children perceive their parents' care for them. An extrovert, for instance, seeks explicit assurances of love, while an introverted child may need time to emotionally process feedback from his parents.

Building resilience with love and a balanced life

Tapping on 15 years of counselling experience, Dr Kim shared that kids feel hurt when quality time with parents is replaced by material things, when they are compared with others, and when love and acceptance are not explicitly expressed. Depression can set in when parents repeatedly criticise a child for things beyond the latter's control, such as stating "Why are you so short?", or fail to protect him or her from abuse and neglect.

Mr and Mrs Bakkiaraj are pleased with the tips to help their 15-year-old cope with stress in school.

It is important to recognise what constitutes resilient behaviour and signs of emotional ill-health, stated Dr Kim. A resilient child would set high, but still attainable, standards for himself, enjoy both the process as well as the outcome, and be able to bounce back from failure and disappointment. He would also react positively to constructive criticism and readily move on to new challenges.

A child who is not coping well, according to Dr Kim, would fall into depression when he experiences failure, turn defensive when given feedback and is preoccupied with the fear of failure and disapproval. Even when he makes progress, he is not satisfied with any less than perfect results and sets unreasonable targets for himself.

Creating a balanced growing-up environment is the ideal way to build resilience in a child, says Dr Kim. Many cultures focus on stimulating children on the academic front while neglecting other vital life skills. A complete child thus is one who develops physically with a balanced diet, sufficient exercise and rest; socially with a network of friends who teach the value of relationships; and morally in knowing the difference between right and wrong. Other essential aspects of development include cultivating a sense of intellectual curiosity, developing emotional empathy for self and others, and a strong personal identity.

Mdm Manisah Osman, teacher-in-charge of Coral Primary School's PSG, plans to share practical tips from the seminar at her PSG mini workshops.

The seminar proved a hit for participants who were eager to apply what they had learnt. "I picked up tips on how to motivate my girl and help her deal with the stress she faces in school," stated Mr Bakkiaraj, who attended the seminar with his wife and 15-year old daughter.

Mdm Manisah Osman, a teacher at Coral Primary School, found the presentation points very useful. "We are already planning mini-workshops on a similar topic for our Parent Support Group (PSG)," she revealed. Two parents with 13-year old daughters also harboured similar ideas. "There are many practical insights that we can apply at our PSG and at home," remarked Mrs Eugenia Lim, a member of the PSG at Raffles Girls' School.